i’ve been asking myself why the hell am i doing dendoo. i’m not getting any results from it, i barely make decent sales, there is hardly any progression.
i’ve had people tell me i’m wasting my talent. as if i enjoy not seeing my artwork in publications. i tell them i’m trying, i’m trying really hard. locally the type of work i do is not celebrated and no one sees the pdf magazines that i do make it in as any type of result. they see it as a joke. even though i do get denied it’s just a joke to them that i’m in a pdf magazine.
i’ve been trying for months now to get in various “real” publications. i see illustrators doing the same thing in magazines, books, newspapers getting recognition and i could get it too. i ask other artists for advice and tips and yeah i can’t expect them to give me their gold ticket answer.
day in and out i send out examples to this place, send to this one. i cant even afford to send a self promotional package because to do that costs $50 a pop from here. $50. that’s if i’m not putting in something heavy.
with me quitting and the economy in the toilet i’m now out job searching and i’m realizing there is nothing i can do with sense here. i picked a stupid thing to want to be. i wanted to be an artist but who the hell told me i could be that in turks and caicos? the only artists here sell paintings of the water. stupid beach all day long.
i think it’s high time i settled down, i grew up. dendoo was an idea but it was also a part of me and i’m going to suffocate that part of me because it’s not a real thing. it’s a joke. if you thought i was wasting that talent before well you havent seen anything yet. the only thing i can do now is go and get a real job. a real regular i am a boring person job.
i am going to put england out of my head too. i have a visit and then i’ll suffcate that dream as well. what’s the point in trying? only the Lord knows how many times i’ve pushed that back and no one knows what it means to me but if i have to keep pushing back then it wasn’t meant for me. i was meant to be a typical black woman: hopeless with 3 babies on my back locked down with a man named tyrone.
the truth is i’ve tried. i’ve really tried and it seems i’m going no where. this is the first time i’ve pushed through my laziness to do something i believe in and to want something for me. dendoo, england were a part of a dream for me. it’s not working, and i’m going to do what i should have done a long time ago and give up. i’m going to be realistic, enroll in the community college, take a course and get a “real people job”. nothing where i have to imagine unicors around my head. something where i lose my soul and never get it back.
my work could have been the biggest and bestest. to me it is but no one is seeing what i’m seeing and i’m tired. i’m tired. this year was supposed to be my year, i wasn’t supposed to share this with anyone. i wanted to move, i wanted to be around other artists, i wanted to take dendoo to another level but it’s not going to happen. i can never be the artist of my dreams from this obscure rock in the middle of no where, where no one even understands why me or my work.
i was upset because i had to put england on hold. again. for the sixth time. but now i’m upset because i’m putting me on hold. for the millionth time. and since it seems i’m never going to grow…ever i might as well surrender and grow in a different way.
i’m tired. today i’m going to look for tyrone after i acquire my dead end job. forget dreams, they take you nowhere.