so if you read my last journal entry you’ll see i was really discouraged. really.
i’m still discouraged but i had a talk with my mum who told me that i can’t give up. she told me she does believe in me and thinks i can make my move, and she somewhat encouraged me to do dendoo (she doesn’t really get it but she tries) and she right. this is the first time i’ve ever wanted something and tried to go after it and it really hurts knowing my efforts are in vain, but she told me i can do it. i’m sorry if someone thinks, oh this girls is such a fake but no one knows the tears i’ve cried these past few months about me and my life path. i might seem fake/wishy washy to some of you and that’s fine but i really put my soul into dendoo. i’m up till heaven in the morning sometimes creating new things. i put me into this.
my mother told me through tears that she’s been helping my aunt build her house for 5 years and we just had christmas dinner in it last year. we didn’t even have a stove or fridge in the new house, not one stitch of furniture. we sat on the floor and ate our christmas dinner in it just happy to be around family and talking about good times. she told me that’s what it will be like for me. i’m going to have to put my time into dendoo and i’ve really only put a little over a year. i’m going to have to go through sleepless nights, nights where i cry, nights where i want to quit like i feel right now and then it will start to take shape and i’ll really see dendoo come to life. even if i’m sitting in it with not one chair on the bare floor it will be there.
i’ve had a lot of people sent me BM, left comments on my blog, email me, and i want to thank those of you who took the time to encourage me. i wasn’t looking for encouragement, i wasn’t trying to win an oscar for the saddest story, so thank you to those who took the time to tell me they too have been there.
what people don’t know is i had already decided to quit on dendoo a few weeks back and i’ve been miserable since the day i made that decision, but everyone is right and i knew it myself that killing this artistic side of me would do nothing but drive me insane. all i’ve ever wanted to be is an artist. when my mother would ask what do you want to be char i would say i want to be an artist and go to paris and draw the ladies (lol i thought paris was where all artists went when i was smaller) and it’s all i’ve ever kept my eyes on. so that talk with my mum, the many talks with my ex, the words from others who told me they too have struggled and are struggling, the strange advice from david who somehow compared me to michael jackson….maybe i can do this.
i’m sorry to anyone who thinks i’m doing this for attention. this really is a new thing for me, to see things through to the end. many thanks to those who know what i’m struggling with and know this is me being real. i’m going to rethink things and come at it with a new attitude and a new angle.
many thanks from the bottom of my heart, charrish ferguson