why do i….
…. always psych myself out?
here’s the scenario: i try out for open called submission ish things and then i freak myself into thinking i am not worthy of being a part of it. it makes me wonder if i could have been accepted but I allowed my negative energy to totally kill the chance. totally.
what’s making me think of this? last week i submitted to curvy which i’ve ALWAYS wanted to get into. curvy would be my top want, grafuck would be my second. to see my illos next to the likes of chicks like audrey kawasaki, Amy Davis, fafi!!! etc. would be an amazing honor, feeling, i would cry. seriously. i’d push them bad boy tears right out. so i submitted my pieces but as soon as i clicked send i started freaking out.
i’ve never made it into any of the books i’ve tried to get in. the only book i’ve been in hasn’t even come out yet and they contacted me! now i’m not knocking that, i mean wow they reached out to me. i feel mighty special. all i’m saying is it’s a big downer when the things you actively seek out go all slammo in your face.
well i went away and forgot about the whole thing but i was cleaning out my email just now, with 391 unread emails i think it was overdue, and i saw the automated thank you for submitting email from curvy/yen mag. instantly all those old fears came rushing back! if they wanted my work to be in curvy 6 surely they would have asked me by now. surely….
but then i got to thinking as i started typing in the addy to write this post, it’s okay if they don’t respond. it took audrey, fafi, amy sol and all the etcs. months and years to get curvy. so for now, even if i don’t make it in curvy the book i can look in the mirror and rejoice in my tiny curves. with a flick of the pen i can create a woman who has curves. most importantly i can keep trying.
oh curvy selectors how i hope you select me but there will be next year if you don’t. i like odd numbers anyway. here’s hoping for curvy 6 but knowing there is always curvy 7.
much love, dendoo